The Art of Coaching
I write a lot of articles and entries regarding the conditions of the human and the concepts of improvement, but not as much about the coaching process. It seems to some that any mention of vocation is commercial and a sell out to giving endless streams of free information on the internet.
However, how people think about coaching directly affects the impact and quality of the coaching process. Teaching is useless unless one can reach the students most in need. Those are the very students most likely to refuse study.
One of the things that bothers me the most is the difficulty we as professional coaches have in reaching the very people that need us the most. One of the primary symptoms of poor living direction is that the person refuses to admit the need for or accept the help of anyone else especially a coach or mentor.
So, I went to the people to ask questions and find out why. More than just a business tool the use of coaching and mentoring to develop stability, direction and measurable progress is an accepted and even required concept in some of the most diverse fields from sports to medicine.
Generally individuals in management or creative fields accept the need and importance of coaching very easily, but the “average” person in the core consumer market struggles along on their own randomly facing down the challenges that the living experience throws their way.
First, I identified individuals and families that had adopted the “struggling on their own” patterns and then I asked them specific questions on support and coaching such as:
Have you ever had a mentor or coach?
If so or if not, why?
What is your view on coaching or mentoring?
Here are the results.
None of these people had ever had a coach or mentor. There were a few family members offering advice, but they had never been formally coached for free or otherwise. The concept of coaching and mentoring was almost foreign to them.
Few of these people understood the benefits potential of having someone else for support. They couldn’t understand how another person was going to help them elevate their results or lifestyle.
They had been making a living on their own since high school. They had always done things on their own and didn’t see any reason to change that pattern.
Coaching was something for other people. People involved in special things like sports and movies far above anything these people saw as remotely in their future. They simply didn’t need it and probably couldn’t afford it.
Their two major response patterns were:
Even though almost every person was unhappy with current social position, career, lifestyle, or living results the response was… “I’ve done alright up to this point. I don’t see any reason to change.”
Even though most admitted being stuck, confused and not knowing what to do next or where to turn the response was… “I don’t see what someone else can do for me. It’s just something else for me to worry about.”
These two statements are the answers to questions regarding the success of some and the defeat of others. Learn them well and look for them within yourself. Look deeply and I’m certain you will find some of these feelings lurking in the shadows.
I don’t see any reason to change.
I don’t see what someone else can do for me.
On top of all that most of these people admitted that anything added to their living experience automatically became a worry even before results were had.
These are the common denominators between success and struggle. Like it or not, commercial or otherwise I just told you the truth. Sports teams, athletes and performers have specialized coaches for a reason. Executives, highly educated and paid executives, have coaches and mentors to bring out their best.
These people recognize and accept the need for change and support. This is a hurdle you must overcome long before you begin to restructure your living patterns and results. Our biggest struggle is reaching out to the people who simply won’t accept help.
How much value would my words have if I wasn’t willing to take my own advice? This past year I paid a mentor to work with me on one aspect of my business.
Was it worth the cost? Absolutely. The direction and knowledge more than made up for any expense. In fact, I have always gotten great value out of good advice and skill sets and I’ve had many valuable coaches and mentors.
Take a good look at the top paid executives, sports athletes and celebrities and you’ll be hard pressed to find any that haven’t used or currently have a coach or mentor in some form. Look closely at the people and families struggling along and you’ll see no coaching at all.
It’s not the end all answer, but it’s the truth.
The difference? Change and support.
If you don’t want a coach then find someone that exhibits quality living skills and ask them for a little mentoring. You never know sometimes a good teacher is only a request away.
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Tuning Children In
One of the main issues I hear from parents as I work with them is that their children won’t listen to them. The children ignore their requests as if the parents weren’t even there. There is a valid reason why this happens.
Years ago the CB radio was extremely popular. Even today the modern radios used by police and fire departments are offspring’s of that original technology.
These radios communicate over channels. Each “channel” is directly linked to a quartz crystal that vibrates at a specific frequency.
Imagine that you were listening to and using a radio such as this each day and your next-door neighbor suddenly began to communicate over one of the frequency channels. No matter the time of day this person would be there jabbering into the channel making it literally impossible for anyone else to get a word in edgewise.
What would you do? Well, you could simply avoid that channel and use other channels to communicate or you could remove that crystal altogether.
That’s exactly what children do to parents.
The parents communicate with children on a specific channel. After a while children learn that the “parent channel” generally is something they don’t want to hear. Do this, do that, don’t do this and don’t do that echo on that channel all day, every day.
So the children simply “tune out” or remove that channel.
That is why a third party stranger can communicate with your children better than you can. The stranger has a different channel and frequency that the children actually listen to and hear.
The solution?
1. Keep communication positive.
Try to avoid cluttering your parental channel with only strong directives and requests that children find objectionable. Make sure that at least 50% of your communication with a child is supportive and praise related. Children love and crave praise and won’t tune out a parent that makes it a point to regularly stroke their egos and feelings.
2. Keep communication simple.
Once you past the early twenties in age your communication shifts from childlike to almost entirely adult in nature. Almost every parent talks to children in an adult voice and makes adult requests. Children are just that, children. They simply cannot come up to mature adult standards of communication. Learn to get down on their level and speak to them in terms they can understand.
3. Communicate over “other” channels.
Use “other people” as a way of teaching your children. Teachers, relatives and friends may be very instrumental in directing your children as you are in redirecting their children.
4. Make communication fun.
Children haven’t developed an “instruction channel”. Instead they have an “imagination channel” in that place until they reach the late teens to early twenties. The requests and information you as a parent are sending down are most likely instructional in nature and that information is in direct conflict with what the child is using the channel for. Parents try to instruct a child as the child uses the channel to watch television or play and the parent gets ignored.
5. Separate parental channels.
When both parents stand side-by-side and direct children group the communication onto one channel. Parents that work individually with children maintain separate channels of communication that allow for more effective interaction. Parents should support each other, but communicate separately with children.
Try these suggestions and you’ll find that new avenues of communication will open up within your family.
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Sandra Cantu Anger and Pain
It is the nightmare every parent dreads. The senseless loss of a child to abduction and murder. Unless experienced firsthand it is difficult to grasp the emotional pain and confusion the family of Sandra Cantu is going through right now.
However, other parents and people also develop feelings and often react to such news. It strikes a chord deep within the emotional center as one tries to reason why such events happen.
These feelings can sometimes be misdirected into thoughts, decisions and actions that are not called for or appropriate and may even motivate the individual to compromise their principles and values.
A young woman named Melissa Huckaby has been arrested for the abduction, rape and murder of little Sandra Cantu. Now people are misdirecting their anger toward that name and even going so far as to attack an innocent woman that happens to share that name.
This is an extremely unique case of human behavior. I was stunned to hear the news that a young woman had been arrested when generally such crimes are committed by young to middle aged men, but the new charge of rape has me speechless.
No matter how monstrous the crime it is NEVER right to attack the person. This young woman is due her day in court just like everyone else and as far as the other Melissa Huckaby’s in the world…
Really people, don’t you have something better to do?
I mean, what if they prove in court that Melissa Huckaby didn’t do it? If she did them she deserves the strongest punishment for such a crime, but give them a chance to take her to trial first before you judge and convict.
And especially before you attack.
No need to picket outside anyone’s home or slam her family or other people that happen to have the same name.
Actually, people should pay special attention to this case. The specifics of a young woman being charged with such a crime is so rare that it is vitally important parents learn a lesson from this case.
The attack on a child and especially a girl by another female is a threat that most parents would completely overlook. Your eyes are focused for a different form of criminal.
Pre-teen and teen children are generally targeted by men. Women sometimes target newborn babies, but rarely abduct children over age 6 to 8.
As a parent you must be diligent in safeguarding children from all threats. The concern is that we simply don’t see it coming. It’s the unseen evil that blindsides you from out of nowhere that’s usually calling.
I am absolutely livid with confused anger and hurt over the needless suffering and death of another child, but I for one, am not ready or willing to attack the person arrested. I’ll simply wait and see what happens during the investigation and subsequent trial if one evolves.
And I’m certainly not interested in venting at the other Melissa Huckaby’s of the world.
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Sandra Cantu Shocker
Believe it or not the recent news of a woman, neighbor, friend and Sunday school teacher being arrested for the death of Sandra Cantu is a shock. What else can we expect?
I have been deflated mentally, emotionally and spiritually since the news that Sandra Cantu’s body had been found. As a father of several girls her age it really hits home especially when one becomes emotionally invested in hope for the safe return of the child.
I didn’t want to talk about, write about or even think about the terrible results that had unfolded over the past week. Then, I awoke one morning to be greeted with the news that a local neighbor, a woman and mother of a 5 year old friend had been arrested for the murder.
What? I have to admit as a person that has studied human behavior for decades and even profiled personalities my mind was almost fixed on the fact that the crime must have been committed by a man, a sexual predator of 25 to 50 years of age.
I can’t even conceive why this lady would commit such a crime. It’s so out of character and human behavioral pattern that I am waiting to hear this story.
Was it anger? Perhaps an accident she tried to cover up? Or was there something more sinister lurking in her thoughts and patterns? Something that I need to become aware of and file away in my knowledge of human thought, motivation and decision.
I don’t believe it was planned. The use of her personal luggage points that way unless she simply wasn’t aware of or thinking about being traced back to the suitcase.
This one is interesting because it opens up an entirely new can of worms. It potentially provides another profile that might exist for whatever reason that threatens our children as they go about the day innocently playing with friends.
Still it was another beautiful child lost. However, the impact on my life has not been in vain. Now, I notice my children more, watch them closer as they traverse the lawns of the neighborhood and hug them a little tighter at night.
Do you?
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Sandra Cantu Unaware of Danger
By now, if you followed the case you’ve most likely seen the short eight seconds of Sandra Cantu as she skipped innocently along past a video camera. Waving her arms and enjoying the fact that she was alive.
Only minutes later she had disappeared. Gone forever from the world of the living and from her parents. Her mother will never hug her again and her family will never see her smile or hear her voice again.
The thing that struck me in the past few days as I attempted to wrap my reasoning around this event is that Sandra was totally unaware of the danger lurking just outside her world. She wasn’t aware of the 78 registered sex offenders living within a few miles of her home. 78!
And the odd thing is the danger that swooped down on her may not have even been someone we currently know about. It may have been someone she knew and trusted. It could have been someone her mother knew and trusted.
One of the first things I did a week or so ago when she went missing was tell my girls about the danger of not being aware of your surroundings and strangers or strange vehicles that might be nearby.
They were getting ready to ride their bikes over to a friend’s house only a few houses away, but my “parental danger radar” had gone into rotation and I sat them down at the kitchen table and had a short talk with them.
I felt better, but did I feel that they were safer? No, I didn’t…
Just slightly better informed.
The fact is they still have the mental development of a child. A child that has only been alive on this planet for 8 to 10 years and hasn’t had the chance to experience the ugly nature of some people. They still live in a world of trust, innocence, fun and ignorance.
This is a different world than the one that I grew up in. Where neighbors all knew one another and children could roam fairly safe except for the occasional snake or piece of glass. Where doors could be left unlocked in the daytime without fear of someone just waiting to pounce.
It is up to us as parents to educate our children about these dangers, but never forget that theirs is a mind unable to grasp the true meaning, circumstances and importance of the issues. Don’t assume that your words are enough.
Children are one of my special mentoring skills. I have spent three decades learning how they think and reason. You simply MUST reason for them. They have a very limited capacity to comprehend and safety in these issues requires comprehension.
Teens are not much better. Oh, they’re striving for more independence and have improved labeling, meaning knowledge and reasoning, but the brain and reasoning depth doesn’t truly develop until around age 25 or more.
As I see it we must address the issue of community safety from two points:
Better education and awareness of what our children, teens and young adults understand and our own awareness and involvement with the people that live in the community nearby especially those of potential danger.
We must be the eyes and minds for our children and it is time for us to do more than simply say “enough is enough”. In seminars I give people always seem so amazed when I tell them that the education of their children is not important. It is their education that holds the most value.
Until you are aware of and comprehend quality living patterns you simply cannot teach them to your children. Look at most of the violent crimes in the news. Many of them would never have happened if the people involved had been living under a better standard of values and not under poor quality circumstances.
In essence, they put themselves in the line of fire. I’m not saying that Sandra Cantu’s mother lived an improper way, I’m saying the person that committed the crime was the sum of the series of poor living quality education, values, motivations, decisions and actions.
There are times when we could look at the victim and say if only you hadn’t lived like that or frequented that location or been involved with that peer group you wouldn’t be a victim, but Sandra isn’t that person. She was an innocent child in the wrong place at the wrong time with no reasonable adult within helping distance.
Sandra Cantu was unaware of the danger. Don’t allow your children or teens to be.
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Casey Anthony is Frightening
In a recent meeting the conversation of violence in our young people came up and quickly turned to the Casey Anthony case.
The main point brought up was that people couldn’t see how a mother of such a beautiful three year old like Caylee Anthony could commit such a terrible crime. That is if she is truly found guilty.
What Casey Anthony may have done doesn’t shock me. The violence and shock of crimes committed by teens and young adults isn’t my focus.
Instead, I focus on their thought patterns and what set of circumstances helped them to evolve such thoughts. For you see, without those thought patterns the crime would never have existed.
It’s their thoughts and the fact that they even have them that frighten me!
Something, someone, some sequence of events, thoughts and desires triggered Casey Anthony into her pattern.
And it’s that SOURCE that we should be most concerned with.
Because that source of acceptable violent thought and behavior is the real culprit. Plus, it isn’t isolated to Casey Anthony. No, you can bet there are others teens centered from the same source and going through almost exactly the same patterns right now!
The issue isn’t that people kill; it’s that they have those thoughts in the first place and eventually accept them as reasonable.
In almost every case the source is linked to insecurity or personal desire. Masking or satisfying the demands of the source sometimes causes the person to either change or violate their principles and values.
Sometimes the change is slow and almost unseen. Until eventually they aren’t the same person that started the journey.
Generally the people that get the best results are the very people with the most effective living habits and patterns. Some of the people in the meeting expressed dismay that Casey could go so far out of line coming from what appeared to be a stable family.
Stable or otherwise, Casey is NOT her family. No child represents the entire family. Casey was at an age with the freedom to choose her pattern desires. Her thought patterns were of her choosing.
Parents, you do have a responsibility because you are living close to the child and see them often.
- Watch for personality or mood swings.
- Watch for expressions of discontent.
- Watch for erratic hours or behavior.
Storms generally brew up for a while before the lightning and rain begin. Keep a watchful eye for clouds on the horizon.
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Casey Anthony is not Dead
This has to be one of the worst situations I have ever experienced and I hope and pray that something like this doesn’t happen to my family or yours.
It is terrible situation. Little Caylee Anthony found dead and her mother Casey in jail charged with her murder. I remember seeing the thousands of people that wanted to help. If only there were something they could do, but there wasn’t.
All we could was watch the event unfold before us on television.
The Anthony family has suffered badly, but still Casey Anthony is not dead. Although she has been charged with the crime she is still alive and available to her family.
However, today I became aware of another event even more tragic that we all should take note of and open our hearts to. If you ever wanted to help someone this is certainly your chance to make a big difference.
On March 8, 2007 three wonderful talented students from China were killed in a horrible automobile accident in Urbana, Ohio. Their families had borrowed and leveraged everything they had to send their children 6500 miles to the U.S. for an education.
Now those families are destitute. Their only children are gone, the money they borrowed for the education, funeral expenses and travel are gone and they find themselves with nowhere to turn.
I’m going to do something I have never done before. I am not going to ask you to donate to the special fund for these devastated families; I am going to get on my knees and BEG you to donate.
I cannot turn my back. I simply cannot look at the pain on their faces and then turn away and ignore their need. We can’t fix everyone in need right now, but we can fix some. Perhaps others can be unfeeling and go on with life like nothing ever happened, but I cannot. Not for $5 to $10 that can save them.
These three families need our help. Yes, I know times are tough on everyone right now and that these families are from China, but how would you feel if you had lost your child, home and everything you have all because of one senseless act that only took a few seconds?
Get to know the three students.
PLEASE, I am begging, literally begging that those that see my message will have empathy and give from the heart and not ignore this situation. Even $5 would help and we spend that much on a hamburger and soda.
My goal is to get 60,000 people to donate at least $5 to $10 to the fund. If you can spare more that’s wonderful, but please don’t turn away. This is YOUR CHANCE to HELP other human beings that truly need our help and support in a desperate dire time. The parents have no other way of surviving this event without our help.
We cannot bring the three lost college students back, but we CAN make all of the difference in the world if we only have a heart.
The donation fund address is:
c/o Jim Wilson
Office of Development Urbana University
579 College Way Urbana, Ohio 43078
I would like to ask everyone that reads this to spread the message and donation fund address in an effort to make a difference and help.
We can’t help little Caylee Anthony now, but we can make a huge difference in the lives of these families. We can literally save them if we only try.
Again, I beg you to help. With all my heart I want you to know how much it will mean for us to take action and help. These families sent their children here and never saw them alive again.
Donate any amount you can please. $5 to $10 isn’t going to break anyone, but collectively it can save these families. Every little bit helps. Together we can show them that true strength is in numbers and that we really do care about our fellow man. We can help to repair their shattered lives and make a real difference forever.
Please, I beg you to donate and help.
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The Lessons of Casey Anthony
A mother loses her 3 year old daughter and cannot explain why or where then goes on partying with friends. The remains of the child are found only minutes from home as the grandparents continue to deny the results.
With all of the pain and disappointment of the Casey Anthony case what can people learn and take away for positive change in their families?
First, spend time with your children and get to know them well. As a parent it is vital that you have open communication with your children and be able to see any unusual changes in your child’s attitude or personality.
Direct through example and redirect through friendship not patronization. Children look to parents for their social and personal patterns and example. What are you representing each day to your children?
Discuss the relationship of quality values and living standards to success, happiness and fulfillment in the living experience with your children. Children cannot make associations well on their own due to a lack of living experience. Parents have a responsibility to define quality associations for children.
Be willing to step in and say no when the situation requires strong action and accountability. Don’t turn a blind eye and hope that the situation will resolve itself or that the child will find their way eventually.
Saying no means no and not maybe. From the time they are born children quickly learn to test parents for the firmness of their decisions. Wishy washy decisions when children are young set parents up for teens and young adults that don’t or won’t accept decisions as firm and final.
Love your child unconditionally and let them know that they can come to you with concerns without fear of rejection or punishment. Never ignore any issue that your child brings to you no matter how unimportant it seems to you.
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Rape Murder and Casey Anthony
Every day seems to bring more shocking news than the day before. Today has been no exception as the headlines are ablaze with one unbelievable story after another.
Are you becoming numb to the onslaught of violent and poor human quality exhibited in recent breaking news?
A mother rapes her daughter’s 14 year old friend, a man dressed as Santa kills nine people on Christmas Eve at a holiday party and now even Lee Anthony, brother of accused murderer Casey Anthony may even face charges.
Now more than ever people need to look deep inside for strength and stability. The pressure of a slow economy, job loss and the violent trend in attitude is fuel for imbalanced thought and reaction.
Our young people need us more than ever right now. They need real answers, real direction and effective guidance instead of empty promises or being ignored.
Instead the focus seems to be on what is politically correct and hollow endeavors that occupy our time and make us feel good without improving society.
I sincerely believe that we as responsible adults can truly make a difference. That we can be uplifting and inspirational to the youth that will be our future leaders. These crimes are the result of adults gone wrong.
Adults that for one reason or another either strayed from the proper path of quality living or formed their thought and decision processes improperly.
The skill of the parent is reflected in the quality of the child and the adult that results from that child. It is our responsibility to provide quality direction to developing children and also to be accountable in identifying and responding to imbalanced development in young adults.
Of course there will always be the exception to the rule, but the current pattern of violent crime and poor human decision doesn’t need to continue.
Make it your goal in life to elevate the quality of your living skills. Not just New Year’s resolutions, but real improvement in who you are and what you stand for. Raise your Human Thermostat and seek to improve the quality of your vales, principles and morals.
See your children through to adulthood and set the very best example possible each and every day. For it is through your example that children learn their most lasting lessons.
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Find Madeleine McCann
First of all we would like to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support. Your solidarity has helped maintain our strength and our hope - especially at this difficult time of year.
A quick update on what has been happening:
As you may have seen in the media, the Portuguese authorities have lifted our ‘arguido’ status and in July 2008 closed the investigation to find Madeleine. It is therefore even more important now that we, Madeleine’s family, do everything we possibly can to try and find our little girl.
Reassuringly, we know that there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever to suggest that Madeleine has been seriously harmed (and this has been further confirmed after studying the recently released Portuguese police files). In light of this, we passionately believe that there is a very strong likelihood that Madeleine is out there and can be found.
With your support we will NEVER give up looking for Madeleine.
Like any family who suddenly find themselves in such a confusing and terrifying situation, we don’t know if any of us could have got through all this without the support of people like you. So thank you so much for your help. Without your prayers and efforts, the confusion, isolation and heartache our family has faced would have been so much harder.
Yours sincerely
Gerry and Kate McCann
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